I awoke yesterday with a profound sadness upon hearing of RBG’s untimely passing. She had fought so hard to remain active on the bench until after the upcoming election, at such great personal expense. Her indomitable strength and courage of conviction, both in life and in death, will remain an eternal inspiration for all.
RBG has been an icon and beacon of hope for me ever since I was a young lawyer struggling to establish a legal career in LA back in the seventies. It took me a hot NY minute to learn first-hand how real the gender gap was for a woman fresh out of law school, pounding the pavement in her basic black pumps and pinstriped suit.
In all transparency, I grew up as a middle child who studied day and night to get all A’s at a private school that my grandfather funded; a child who helped my mother with all the chores since my dad had abandoned us when I was eight; a child who raised my younger brothers and revered my older brother who was the apple of my mother’s eye. All of this to set the backdrop for an insecure, co-dependent girl who never got the support and encouragement from my rather cold, self-obsessed mother.
So, I went to law school for the ignoble reason that my fiance needed a study partner, not because I had a passion for the law. After graduation, I finally landed my first job at a litigation firm, much to my horror. I’d had no desire to be a trial attorney, but hey, beggars can’t be choosers, especially when high-level strings were being pulled. I only got the job offer because my then father-in-law, who had nefarious ties to the Vegas mob, was friends with a dubious Judge in Santa Monica, who pulled some strings at a firm that regularly appeared in his courtroom, who were only too happy to give me a job. Not my proudest moment, to be sure. I accepted the job, albeit at a much lower rate of pay than my male counterparts, which I’m ashamed to admit I didn’t question at the time.
On the first day of my first civil jury trial, I entered the courtroom and was immediately mistaken for the court reporter. It went downhill from there. The case was complex, with several defendants, and all the lawyers (male) ganged up on me, hoping to make me look like a rank amateur, which of course I was. I managed to hold my own until lunch, and then called my boss in a meltdown, begging him to send in a relief team. He sent me back into the lion’s den, alone. When I made a motion for something or other, no one challenged me. They fawned over me, holding the swinging gate open for me, holding my chair to sit, helping me with the mountain of files piled high on the desk. For a brief moment, I thought that I had won them over with my brilliance and legal perspicacity. Later I learned that one of the law clerks had overheard the jury foreman complain about the other lawyers beating up on the sweet young girl who reminded him of his daughter. I won the case for my client, but sadly not for the right reasons.
For the next three years, I slogged through depositions, motions, and trials with little joy in my heart. I divorced my philandering husband and vowed to go life alone. I learned to ignore the smirks and eye rolls and turned a deaf ear to the sexist remarks of my male colleagues and adversaries. It just came with the territory. In hindsight, I’m embarrassed that I was not as enlightened or courageous as my role model, RBG. I could apply and even espouse her principles in theory, but not to the reality of my own life.
Leaving litigation, I got a job at a production company in Hollywood by agreeing to work for almost free for the experience. I was a woman with a law degree seeking to break into a male-dominated profession as something other than an actress. I suffered a plethora of sexual harassment and even worse, but did not dare to complain for fear of losing my coveted job. I couldn’t help but think that Ruth would have hung her head in shame at my cowardice, but I know she is more forgiving than that.
Yesterday morning after hearing the sad news, I went outside and looked up into the azure blue sky dotted with billowy white clouds. I was astounded to see thousands of dragonflies flitting about overhead in a swarm that went on for seemingly ever. I know from my time on the Pine Ridge Reservation that Native Americans view dragonflies as a symbol of transformation and purity. When a dragonfly visits around a loved one’s death, it signifies the loved one’s soul has taken form in the spirit of dragonfly, assuring that their soul is free. As the teachings go, if you see many dragonflies, you are being called to look within to see what areas you could possibly improve on, and what you can shed in order to bring more light and freedom into your life.
As the light of the sun caught the beauty of thousands of iridescent wings soaring above, I sent up a prayer to the Notorious RBG, thanking her for her advocacy for gender equality and for her resolute determination to champion social justice. There is no Truth without Ruth…RIP. 😥
I wish I could have been stronger, more focused, and more consciously committed like my role model was in her life, but I did the best that I could and I vow not to give up the good fight for the rest of my days.
And if all of those dragonflies were sent as a message, we all need to manifest our intentions to do better, with clarity of purpose, resolute integrity, and unconditional love, one soul at a time.
Namaste 💗
Sep. 19, 2020
SUE ELLEN ALLEN20.09.2020 22:33
I too am mourning RBG and found your words most comforting. Thanks!!
STEPHEN RIORDAN20.09.2020 16:17
Good to hear from you.
Judy Richter 