Perhaps…but only on the transcendental level.
I have struggled with the concept of emotional closure for many years, decades even. I used to believe, as recently as last year, that closure of interpersonal misunderstandings was essential to my spiritual evolution and tranquility. But alas, I have begrudgingly come to accept that my own personal definition of closure is not necessarily a universally accepted axiom. Far from it, actually. So many years of wasted angst, squandered musings and emotional effluvium.
The truth of the matter is that it is irrelevant how other people perceive of me, my actions, words or intentions. Their reality will never be mine, no matter how close we may or may not be. My driving need to be understood is nothing more than a co-dependent’s woeful need to be accepted. The old adage of ‘when one door closes…’ has taken on new meaning for me. Because I finally get it…I don’t have to actually, physically close the damned door. I just have to bless it and move on to the next opportunity.
This is all well and good on a spiritual level…but just when I thought that it was safe to release an immense load of baggage and amble on into the sunset, I have been challenged with coming to grips with a different kind of closure. A physical closure of the most distressing, grotesque even, kind.
For my survivor readers, remember way back when, a few months ago, when I opted to embrace reconstructive surgery to put closure to my breast cancer journey? Well…that closure has not come easily. In fact, after a second surgery I am still not 100% closed up. Something about damaged tissue from radiation, surgery, chemo and whatnot that has made it darned near impossible for my poor, beleaguered breast to generate the blood flow needed to close and heal once and for all.
Enough said. Would I do it again? Absolutely, positively not. But I’m not advocating one way or the other on this topic. As I mentioned in my earlier posts, for those of you on this journey, reconstructive surgery is a very personal decision that should not be motivated by outside influences.
For me, I am not dwelling in regret…I am revelling in the knowledge that I have a wonderful life with an amazing partner who loves me no matter how mangled my body may be, and who will change my dressings for as long as needed. SO be it…blessed I am…
Dec. 3, 2018
Judy Richter 