Just when you thought it was safe..to live, to laugh, to forget hospitals and doctors and toxic meds, BAM! The light at the end of the tunnel turns out to be yet another train. Two weeks ago we were flying to an exotic third world country when I started to get severe chest pains, with radiating pain into my left arm, just as the plane made its final approach. Really?! My only thought was to make it through Customs. So irrational and so unfair to H, who had no idea how bad the pain was or how scared I was. H took me to a small clinica around 3 am, and after an electrocardiogram, I was told my heart was fine. I had some doubts, since the EKG machina looked to be turn of the century, with suction cups attached to my skin and large, metal industrial-sized clamps fastened around my ankles and wrists.
Long, scary and painful story short, I ended up in the hopital moderna, where they again determined my heart was fine (with state-of-the-art equipment this time that did not leave purple suction marks all over my body.) The pain in my chest was unbelievabley fierce, and I was finally, and I mean FINALLY, given some super duper pain killers. Diagnosis? Injury to the muscles in between my ribs. How and why? Don’t know. Could have been lugging luggage, jerking my dogs away from some agressive pups at the pet spa, or just turning wrong. (Or was it the twerking the night before? 🙂
As a survivor, and living with a two-plus time survivor, you are never the same after the first go-round. Late last year we were about to lose our health insurance coverage at the Mayo (thanks to Obama care, just saying), so H went in for a last-shot, full-on exam for his colon cancer and hairy cell leukemia bouts. Bad news…those nasty little hairy cell mother-f’ers were coming back. H was optimistic and cheerful as ever. Let’s just get the chemo done before the insurance runs out. At $20k a pop for five shots a day for five days, it was essential. He got through the chemo fine, and all is well. But all was not well with me. The diagnosis, given by an arrogant, ego-manaical doctor, knocked me out for the count. I was scared and resentful and just plain pissed. It brought back all of the dark emotions and fears from the past experiences of being his soulmate/medical advocate. You have to be vigilante, super-human strong, stoic and positive, at least when not cowering under the covers alone at night. And I had already had two major opportunities to brave the terrifying waters of uncertainty with my beloved husband, with no help/support from family and very little from friends.
I had to dig deep, and I mean deeper than deep, to find enough inner strength to prevail in these uncertain times. Meditating, exercising, cooking organic and non-GMO whenever possible…all the while fighting back the WTF attitude of why bother? Why me? Why him? I thought I had these negative fears under control when I suffered my pseudo heart attack on the plane. Okay. I get it. There are no guarantees in life. No get-out-of-jail-free cards just because you’ve survived cancer once. Unh unh.
So, it’s time to walk my talk, which is so much easier in stress=free times. It’s really, really, really important to live in the NOW. No looking back, lugging that metaphoric luggage. No projecting into the future, fearing and/or anticipating the unknown. We just have to be grateful for what we have and who we are in the Present. With a capital P. It’s hard to follow this path, but I know it’s the right path for me. The path that will help me continue my spiritual journey. The path to love and peace.
I am sending special love, light and healing energies to Kelly and Dave today. Kelly is my spiritual twin in so many ways, and Dave and H have traveled a parallel road. Dave is undergoing surgery next Friday, so please, please keep him in your thoughts and prayers. And I implore all those who know of souls who are struggling with health issues to RALLY ROUND them instead of ducking and covering. We all need love and support in difficult times…be willing to give as well as to receive.
Namaste.
Apr. 16, 2016
Judy Richter 