Coming up for air, light and life after Round 4. I have rarely been sick a day in my life, other than the obligatory cold or flu, before my diagnosis. I have found that going through this dis-ease, treatment and the consequent side effects to be disturbingly unfamiliar and horrifically challenging, to understate the case. On FEB 14th (Love Day), I was able to reminisce about the good, the bad and the ugly over the last decade plus, blessing the abundance of the positive and loving gifts in my life. Today, on the first day of relative well being since the 4th Round of Chemo (and I use the term “relative” in a very broad sense), I know that I must rally my faculties to focus on the Now and on the Immediate Future in order to pass through these last few gates of chemotherapy with some semblance of courage and dignity. A day or two following the treatment, I find myself slipping and sliding uncontrollably down the rabbit hole into a dark, musty, fetid place full of pain and discomfort. Moving only exascerbates all of the symptoms. I watch this whiney, intolerant and irrascable person rejecting all proffers of food and help. Is that really me?! I have always perceived myself as quiet, pleasant and eager to please. Who is this new monster, who cannot tolerate any food, no matter how artfully it is arranged on a plate, with flowers and love on the side. I now have a much greater appreciation for my husband’s irritability and intolerance when our roles were reversed. By far the hardest part for me now is the ordeal of managing the pill intake on a daily, even hourly, basis. I start out with a fear of taking any of the pills because of the side effects, until the fear of the side effects pales in comparison to the escalating chemo symptoms. Then I struggle with whether or not to take more pills to counteract the side effects of the symptoms…it is endless and terrifying to juggle what pill to take when and when to stop or switch, or what?!? Enough of that madness…I can see light and smell fresh air without becoming nauseous and feint. It is going to be a good week, with painting, fresh air, writing and visiting with old friends on my very delightful itinerary. H and I are going to take the devoted pups on a walk on a perfect Phoenix day. Love and light to all.
Feb. 17, 2013
Judy Richter 